My name is Roz. I am 43 years old and have never been married. I am a vice president within a large international software company and I live in London.
The eldest of three, with two brothers, I was brought up in Hampshire by my parents, Harriet and Roger. My mother worked part time as a secretary, and my father worked his way up through the ranks of the army to retire as a major. Both my brothers are happily married, with five children between them. My parents now live in retired bliss in the Yorkshire Dales.
So far, pretty normal stuff, except the spinster bit. If I’d paid a bit more attention during my twenties and thirties, I would probably be married by now. I have always been disappointed by my inability to attract and secure a husband, and for years beat myself up as I tried to fathom out my fatal flaws in the relationship department.
But it was only recently, whilst staying at a meditative retreat in Italy, that I finally concluded (too late) exactly where I had been going wrong. I truly believe that my state of singledom was precipitated by my parents. It sounds fantastical, but it was in their interests to keep me single so that I would be on hand to assist when old age started to take its toll. Systematically, they destroyed every good relationship I ever had.
The writing was on the wall years ago. After a sheltered childhood and a boarding school education, I finally embarked upon the grown up freedoms of our town’s sixth form college to complete my A Levels. I quickly found myself part of a circle of new, energetic and bright friends, and enjoyed an exciting and varied social life.
After college, a group of us would often traipse back to one our houses for tea. For the first time in their lives, Harriet and Roger regularly came home to find a motley collection of students, sprawled over the sofas, sipping cups of coffee, smoking, laughing and burning toast. Books on history and art would be strewn across the floor and the discussions were surprisingly highbrow for a bunch of seventeen year olds.
My parents loathed my fellow students – my friends. They could never say a good word about them, and always found a negative focus on which to dwell: Charlie – the son of a socialist councillor; Petra – too tall for a girl, Mike – Chinese; Gabby – ‘born out of wedlock’; Sara – overweight; Simon – something very odd about him and Sandra – aloof and ‘not interested in us at all’ (what a surprise!). The list was endless. Whoever came in the door would be greeted with false warmth, and when they left the vitriol would spill forth.
This really didn’t bother me. I knew who my friends were and my parents’ animosity fuelled a rebellious streak running through me. Most parents disapproved of teenage antics. We were young, they were getting old and we had our futures ahead of us.
My parents didn’t want me to go to university and my father insisted that ‘coming up through the ranks hadn’t done him any harm, so I could work my way up the ladder too’. So I lost touch with my college friends, although I was surprised when Paul and then Jeremy, my younger brothers, were actively encouraged to take degrees at their chosen universities.
But my parents’ disapproval continued. It wasn’t just confined to my friends, but to me and everything I did. There was no joy or pride from my parents for any of my achievements. Promotions, new jobs and the purchase of my first house were all met with negativity: I had been moved sideways; the journey to my new job would take its toll; the house was in the ‘wrong area’ and the kitchen was too small.
On one occasion I won tickets to the men’s finals at Wimbledon and was told, “Ugh, tennis leaves me cold”. End of conversation. My adrenaline-filled holiday on horseback in Botswana’s Okavango Delta drew no comment, either. The photographs I had brought along to the restaurant (my treat) to show them remained in their folder. Nothing I did was worthy of their interest, curiosity, praise or admiration.
I wasn’t overly worried and I didn’t let it stop me doing what I wanted or believing in myself. However, I began to clam up whenever I saw them and provided only scant details of my life. This left them to freely discuss their favourite topic, themselves. It was as if they were the only people on this planet, or some kind of higher beings who stood in judgement of everything and everyone. I would sit at the dinner table when I visited them and would think to myself, “I have just spent two weeks working in New York. I had a front row seat at Chicago on Broadway and spent a weekend at a house party in The Hamptons, and you have absolutely no idea at all.” I began to cherish my secret life. It was far easier to present a bland and dull existence to my parents in order to safeguard the reality.
My mother was a great writer of letters of complaint – to broadcasters, retailers, companies, airlines –she shared her grievances and made no qualms about expressing exactly how she felt. As you would expect, their own social lives were a bit of a roller coaster. They would acquire NBFs (new best friends), usually on cruises or package holidays. After a few months they would fall out spectacularly, gushing forth more vitriol against their former NBFs
Odd as it might sound, my parents were actually good people. They were worthy citizens and gave up a lot of their time as volunteers for charity. My mother was a friend of the local hospital and spent hours of her week reading or talking to patients or working in the shop. She organised an annual sponsored walk between seven local churches while my father worked tirelessly to raise money for injured war veterans.
The contrast of their love of humanity and their attitude to their only daughter perplexed me. How could they be so passionate, dedicated and caring on one hand, and against me on every level on the other? Somebody pointed out to me that this was either a form of salvation from a life of damnation (unlikely) or the self-basting option - a way of looking good in other people’s eyes (most probably). “Oh, Harriet is an absolute angel! She enriches the lives of many people she comes into contact with.” “Our family is deeply indebted to you Roger, for all the wonderful help you have been able to give our family.” Naturally, all this worthiness only served to diminish how I felt in their eyes.
Whilst I found ways of managing my parents’ behaviour, I had to work hard to protect my relationships with men from this malaise. During my early twenties, I have to say, my parents weren’t too bad. They knew that I was fast-tracking up the corporate ladder and wasn’t ready to settle down, but by the time I reached my thirties, no boyfriend stood a chance.
Their ambushes were fierce and bloody and nobody survived. Let me run through a brief summary of my serious boyfriends and the circumstances of their demise:
1. When I was 30, I began seeing Hugh (34) who had just qualified as a consultant dermatologist. I had managed to ‘hide’ him from ‘them’ for five happy months. He had met and liked my brothers, and at Christmas invited my whole family to dinner at his house. If a talented script writer had tried to portray a dysfunctional family for a TV drama, then what was played out on that fateful night would have appeared totally unrealistic. First they rubbished the wine, then without any warning, my mother declared that she had become a vegetarian. My father went on to analyse Hugh’s career prospects and patronisingly advised him that by specialising in dermatology, he had taken ‘the wrong path’ within the medical profession. (My father didn’t even get O Level biology). They also let it be known that they felt that Hugh’s house had ‘a strange décor’ and my mother passed on some advice on paint colours as they left through the door. On leaving, my father whispered (too loudly) in my ear “Roz, you can do a lot better than that.”
Hugh and I had a blazing row and things were never quite the same.
2. When I was 32 I started seeing Jonathan, a city analyst, divorced with a two-year old son. He was dynamic, ambitious and an inspirational taskmaster for the twenty people who worked for him.
I managed to keep my parents out of sight for over two years, and Jonathan understood my reasons for doing so. But we were all compelled to meet up at my brother’s wedding and share the top table together. Strained as it was, the event passed without a hitch. Jonathan even found my parents ‘charming’ and wondered what all the fuss was about. ‘All the fuss’ came flying thick and fast when we went down to stay with my parents one bank holiday weekend.
After a bumpy start, my father and Jono went off to play golf together, but returned after only an hour. Jono gathered up his things, flung them in his car and said “Let’s go!” My mother was in tears and my father, red faced and angry, had gone down to the greenhouse. I felt duty bound to look after Mum, so Jono left. I never did find out what was said, but I knew that Jon on a professional level, never took any prisoners.
I went back to London on the train. He wouldn’t return any of my calls and sent round to my office a box of my things from his house, with a note that said, “Rozy, so sorry. The incompatibility was just too great. You’re right – they ARE complete tossers. Get away from them so that you can live the life you want to lead. Fondness always, Jono.
3. I had a few short-term relationships after that, always managing to keep my parents under wraps. These relationships died of natural causes, although I was beginning to lose confidence in myself as a girlfriend with something to offer.
4. My last relationship was a while ago now, when I was 38. I met Nick who was 45 and ran a classic car business. He was divorced, was a former wing commander in the RAF and had three children. He was successful, kind and very funny. Nick was as near to my idea of perfection as I could get. Although he wasn’t bothered by the legend of the terrible parents, I managed to keep everyone apart for eighteen months. Indeed, my parents had no idea at all that I was seeing Nick. We got engaged, and I wanted to marry in secret – just the two of us on a beach in the Maldives. But somehow, ‘they’ found out and demanded a ‘meeting’.
Things went badly and I they did their level best to tear us apart. Nick was wonderful and their insults and niggling was like water off a duck’s back to him. We didn’t see them, but they began to invite themselves down to London to stay with me, and started visiting Nick at his work. My father probed him endlessly about money, maintenance to his children, the fortunes of his business and the reasons behind his divorce. It sounds unbelievable, but they put such a strain on our relationship, that in the end Nick postponed our wedding holiday so that he wouldn’t have to put up with ‘visits from the Stasi. I mistakenly thought that the wedding would still go ahead, but as the impetus went, so, I think, did our love. We eventually parted and all these years later I am still struck by a kind of grief for all those happy times, gone for ever.
Men and women’s relationships with in-laws are never easy. Since the concept of marriage was invented, mothers-in-law have been the butt of jokes, and Christmas celebrations up and down the country are fraught with tensions as the in-laws pass judgement on the person their son or daughter married.
I know many women who, during their 30s and 40s, now have tricky relationships with their mothers. Why is it that so many grounded and successful women in the prime of their lives are treated like teenagers, given unwanted advice and are required to receive approval for everything? Mine is obviously an exceptional case, but there seems to be a generational affliction whereby middle class parents in their mid 60s develop a destructive streak, borne out of envy.
I genuinely believe that my parents made a decision years ago that they wanted me to be available to them in their old age. I think that my parents, and my mother in particular, are jealous of my youth, envious of the opportunities I had with my career, travel and the ability to live a full and abundant life. They grew up post war, during the austere 1950s and believe that people today have too much. There may be a grain of truth in that, but it shouldn’t mean the total destruction of a relationship just because both parties earn a good salary.
My parents are very alike and that is what I think has sustained their marriage over nearly fifty years. I don’t believe they are, or have ever been, particularly happy together, but as they have grown more and more alike, they seem to act as one. Most of the time they bicker, argue and seem to resent each other. They are uncaring over each other’s illnesses or operations, and its only when they can work as a team and turn on me or other people in their sights that they can work their malice in unison. The real challenge for me is not being drawn into that partnership when one of them dies and the other becomes infirm.
I have always been a source of disappointment to Harriet and Roger. I haven’t picked up the devoted daughter mantle. I don’t give up my free time to ferry them to hospital appointments and I haven’t moved to Yorkshire. I keep them at arms’ length and live my life in secret, as if I don’t have a family. I tell my brothers’ families nothing.
There is that old adage that men look at their girlfriend to see how they treat their father, because that is how they are going to treat their husband. And they look at their girlfriend’s mother to see how she will stand the test of time and what she will be like to live with a few decades down the line. A girlfriend of mine has a pact with her sister. Although they are both married, each has a solemn and imperative duty – a Code Red - to inform her sister if she begins to show any mannerisms, thought processes, tastes or attitudes that remotely resemble their mother.
In writing this, I know I come across as bitter (and not a little twisted too). My advice to anyone undergoing disapproval or outright relationship wrecking from her parents is – keep your distance. If you think you are being singled out (pardon the pun) keep your relationships under wraps. It’s a huge generalisation, but men rarely get on with their in-laws. If you think a proposal is in the offing from your man and he and your folks are not going to be best buddies after the nuptials, keep meetings short and sweet and in public places. Don’t go on holidays together and as a couple, act independently of them at all times.
I will never have a daughter of my own, but had I done so, she would have been the most precious thing. I would have been a good mother and would have loved, encouraged and adored her. This would have come from my heart, but would also have been an act of defiance against my parents’ own destructive relationship with me.
All names in the article have been changed.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Save me
Tick 35, tock 36, tick 37, tock 38, tick 39, tock 40 …
Is the alarm bell ringing yet? Almost. Faintly, faintly you can hear the cries of anguish, or regret – willing the future to bear gifts. Listen! There’s the sound of the unborn souls screaming to be released into the world shouting for their lives ‘Hurry up! Please, hurry up!’
Like Batman and Robin trapped in a flooding cell with the waters rising, she is desperate to escape. The levels of her oneness are increasing, getting higher and higher. In her control room, the fertility dial has started to drop. The warning lights are flashing and the pointer is indicating that time is running out. It’s now or never. Maybe she’ll drown. Maybe she’ll survive to fight another day. Maybe he’ll come and save her in the nick of time and the souls will be given the chance of life.
Save me. Save me.
Is the alarm bell ringing yet? Almost. Faintly, faintly you can hear the cries of anguish, or regret – willing the future to bear gifts. Listen! There’s the sound of the unborn souls screaming to be released into the world shouting for their lives ‘Hurry up! Please, hurry up!’
Like Batman and Robin trapped in a flooding cell with the waters rising, she is desperate to escape. The levels of her oneness are increasing, getting higher and higher. In her control room, the fertility dial has started to drop. The warning lights are flashing and the pointer is indicating that time is running out. It’s now or never. Maybe she’ll drown. Maybe she’ll survive to fight another day. Maybe he’ll come and save her in the nick of time and the souls will be given the chance of life.
Save me. Save me.
Literally discriminating against single women
Consider these words from Roget’s Thesaurus under the headings relating to
marriage:
partnered, paired, mated, matched, tied, spliced, hitched, in double harness, espoused, wedded, united, made man and wife, made one, joined in holy matrimony, ‘bone of one’s bones and flesh of one’s flesh’, monogamous, just married, newly married, newly wed, honeymooning, find a husband, ask for the hand of, quit the single state, renounce bachelorhood, take the plunge, get married, accept a proposal, one’s promised, bride, nuptials, plight one’s troth, become engaged, engagement ring, lead to the altar, walk down the aisle, wedding day, say ‘I do’, betroth, affiance, espouse, bestow in marriage, join in marriage, make fast in wedlock, declare man and wife, join, tie the knot, love, be loved, pair off, mate, couple, co-habit, live together, set up house together, share bed, live as man and wife, marry well, make a good match, make love, wedded bliss, conjugal, partner, friend, other half, beloved, dearest, true love, love match, love of my life, have and to hold, adore, worship, only have eyes for, live for, passion, love to distraction, fancy, be sweet on, carry a torch for, crazy over, woo, court, captivate, desire, the one, darling, sweetheart, cherish, embrace, husband and wife, couple, two, pair, partnership, team, union, better half, soul mate, alliance, spouse, life partner, Mr and Mrs, wedding ring, marriage.
This list is all very cosy with a touch of smugness about it. Now consider the words to describe
an unmarried woman:
unmarried, femme sole, solo, unwed, maid unwed, unpartnered, single, lonely-heart, available, one, mateless, unmated, spouseless, husbandless, unwooed, unloved, unasked, on the shelf, free, past sell-by date, Bridget Jones, uncaught, heart-whole, fancy-free, independent, maidenly, old maid, maiden aunt, virgin, virginal, virgo intacta, pure, spinster, spinsterlike, spinsterish, old-maidish, bachelor girl, celibate, nunnish, live single, stay unmarried, live in single blessedness, not the marrying kind, singleton, recluse, refuse marriage, refuse all offers, keep heart-whole, remain fancy-free, have no offers, receive no proposals, live like a hermit, take the veil.
It makes you want to scream! There are fewer words to describe the single state, but they are so harsh! It would seem that even the English language in all its richness, has it in for the single person.
Read on if you are trying to move away from the real or conceptual portrayal of the single woman. Hopefully, you will find consolation, inspiration and practical advice within these pages.
marriage:
partnered, paired, mated, matched, tied, spliced, hitched, in double harness, espoused, wedded, united, made man and wife, made one, joined in holy matrimony, ‘bone of one’s bones and flesh of one’s flesh’, monogamous, just married, newly married, newly wed, honeymooning, find a husband, ask for the hand of, quit the single state, renounce bachelorhood, take the plunge, get married, accept a proposal, one’s promised, bride, nuptials, plight one’s troth, become engaged, engagement ring, lead to the altar, walk down the aisle, wedding day, say ‘I do’, betroth, affiance, espouse, bestow in marriage, join in marriage, make fast in wedlock, declare man and wife, join, tie the knot, love, be loved, pair off, mate, couple, co-habit, live together, set up house together, share bed, live as man and wife, marry well, make a good match, make love, wedded bliss, conjugal, partner, friend, other half, beloved, dearest, true love, love match, love of my life, have and to hold, adore, worship, only have eyes for, live for, passion, love to distraction, fancy, be sweet on, carry a torch for, crazy over, woo, court, captivate, desire, the one, darling, sweetheart, cherish, embrace, husband and wife, couple, two, pair, partnership, team, union, better half, soul mate, alliance, spouse, life partner, Mr and Mrs, wedding ring, marriage.
This list is all very cosy with a touch of smugness about it. Now consider the words to describe
an unmarried woman:
unmarried, femme sole, solo, unwed, maid unwed, unpartnered, single, lonely-heart, available, one, mateless, unmated, spouseless, husbandless, unwooed, unloved, unasked, on the shelf, free, past sell-by date, Bridget Jones, uncaught, heart-whole, fancy-free, independent, maidenly, old maid, maiden aunt, virgin, virginal, virgo intacta, pure, spinster, spinsterlike, spinsterish, old-maidish, bachelor girl, celibate, nunnish, live single, stay unmarried, live in single blessedness, not the marrying kind, singleton, recluse, refuse marriage, refuse all offers, keep heart-whole, remain fancy-free, have no offers, receive no proposals, live like a hermit, take the veil.
It makes you want to scream! There are fewer words to describe the single state, but they are so harsh! It would seem that even the English language in all its richness, has it in for the single person.
Read on if you are trying to move away from the real or conceptual portrayal of the single woman. Hopefully, you will find consolation, inspiration and practical advice within these pages.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Sunday, 19 July 2009
3rd Bridget Jones film - whoopee
Renee Zellweger will return to star in third Bridget Jones film
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I think this will help sales of my book... I hope!
By Mirror.co.uk 16/07/2009
Renee Zellweger is to pile on the pounds once more to star in the third instalment of the Bridget Jones series.
The actress will return to the role as a disaster-prone publishing executive, who is desperate to find true love.
The film is expected to focus on the now 40something Bridget's quest for a baby before it's too late.
British producers Working Title say a director and writer have still to be found.
A musical version of Bridget Jones's Diary is due to open in the West End in 2011.
*
*
I think this will help sales of my book... I hope!
By Mirror.co.uk 16/07/2009
Renee Zellweger is to pile on the pounds once more to star in the third instalment of the Bridget Jones series.
The actress will return to the role as a disaster-prone publishing executive, who is desperate to find true love.
The film is expected to focus on the now 40something Bridget's quest for a baby before it's too late.
British producers Working Title say a director and writer have still to be found.
A musical version of Bridget Jones's Diary is due to open in the West End in 2011.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Does a career woman have a right to have a baby?
Anyone on the receiving end of a rant from a successful woman lamenting her failure to bear a child will witness the grief, regret and bitterness. This was meant to be the easy bit, right? Not like getting into Cambridge or being appointed to the board. A baby should be a gift from Mother Nature – a female rite of passage. Anyone can do it. And with modern medical science devoted to resetting the biological clock, why can’t a Mistress of the Universe have a baby late in life?
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Singledom - the comedians' take on things
‘Everything was going great until I said, ‘I love you,’ then he got this look on his face like he’d taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.’
Roz Doyle, Frasier, Paramount Television
‘I fall in love real quick, which can scare guys away. I’m like, ‘I love you, I want to move in with you, I want to marry you.’ And they’re like, ‘Ma’am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I’ll be out of here.’
Penny Wiggins
‘I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.’
Emo Phillips
‘I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think there’s something wrong with me.’
Elayne Boosler
‘OK, I want to know the man for a year before I get engaged, another six months before I get married. Then, after a year, we have our first baby, then two years later we have another one... so, by then I’ll be... Good God, I need to meet my husband tonight!’ Monica, Friends, Warner Bros
‘Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.’
Helen Rowland
‘Homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society.’
From Bridget Jones’ Diary by Helen Fielding, Picador 2001
Boyfriend: Do you want a lift/lunch/to go out tonight?
37-year-old girlfriend: ‘NO! I WANT A FUCKING BABY!’
From Channel 4’s Spoons
‘Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 529; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion.’
Lorna Adler
‘Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They all already have boyfriends!’
Jane Caron
‘If he hasn’t called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he’s not in an emergency room moaning your name.’
Diane Conway
‘I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn’t, I knew it was you.’
Karen Muir
‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, great! If they don’t, they’re probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.’
Bill Greiser
Roz Doyle, Frasier, Paramount Television
‘I fall in love real quick, which can scare guys away. I’m like, ‘I love you, I want to move in with you, I want to marry you.’ And they’re like, ‘Ma’am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I’ll be out of here.’
Penny Wiggins
‘I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.’
Emo Phillips
‘I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think there’s something wrong with me.’
Elayne Boosler
‘OK, I want to know the man for a year before I get engaged, another six months before I get married. Then, after a year, we have our first baby, then two years later we have another one... so, by then I’ll be... Good God, I need to meet my husband tonight!’ Monica, Friends, Warner Bros
‘Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.’
Helen Rowland
‘Homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society.’
From Bridget Jones’ Diary by Helen Fielding, Picador 2001
Boyfriend: Do you want a lift/lunch/to go out tonight?
37-year-old girlfriend: ‘NO! I WANT A FUCKING BABY!’
From Channel 4’s Spoons
‘Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 529; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion.’
Lorna Adler
‘Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They all already have boyfriends!’
Jane Caron
‘If he hasn’t called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he’s not in an emergency room moaning your name.’
Diane Conway
‘I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn’t, I knew it was you.’
Karen Muir
‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, great! If they don’t, they’re probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.’
Bill Greiser
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Thoughts from those who have not yet found love
‘Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.’
Mark Twain
‘Single women are frightening. If you get to 41 as a single man, you’re quite battle-scarred.’
Hugh Grant
‘My baby clock’s not ticking and I don’t have the marriage gene.’
Lucy, 35
‘Quirkyalone stands in opposition to saccharine, archaic notions of romantic love. It stands for self-respect, independent spirit, creativity, true love and confidence. People are hungry for different ways to look at being single. We don’t want the old ideas rammed down our throat, that if you don’t have someone you are socially stigmatised. We don’t want dating turned into a job, feeling the pressure from the online dating industry and speed-dating services that have revved up in the last decade, and the reality dating TV shows where people are desperate to find someone. We don’t want to think we should change in order to be in a relationship and be validated by family or society. So much of our economy is based on encouraging us to buy lipstick and bikini wax so we won’t feel inadequate if we are not in some air-brushed relationship.’
Sasha, 34
‘OK, so I’m single and childless. I don’t need to be pitied (poor woman, she’s probably infertile) or judged (there’s more to life than luxury holidays and Jimmy Choos) or sneered at (too career-minded to settle down). I’m actually quite content with my lot – sorry to disappoint.’
Sharon, 38
‘I stood at the altar clutching my small bouquet and cringed. Whatever possessed my best friend to want to humiliate me on her wedding day by making me wear a Little Bo Peep frock and be her bridesmaid? It’s bad enough being single, but weddings, lovely as they are, do have a way of rubbing salt into the wounds. Having to wear that hideous dress only served to enhance my age and discomfort at being past my sell-by date. Was Natalie thinking that by including me in her big day this would somehow make me feel better, like it was the next best thing to actually getting married?’
Heather, 38
Mark Twain
‘Single women are frightening. If you get to 41 as a single man, you’re quite battle-scarred.’
Hugh Grant
‘My baby clock’s not ticking and I don’t have the marriage gene.’
Lucy, 35
‘Quirkyalone stands in opposition to saccharine, archaic notions of romantic love. It stands for self-respect, independent spirit, creativity, true love and confidence. People are hungry for different ways to look at being single. We don’t want the old ideas rammed down our throat, that if you don’t have someone you are socially stigmatised. We don’t want dating turned into a job, feeling the pressure from the online dating industry and speed-dating services that have revved up in the last decade, and the reality dating TV shows where people are desperate to find someone. We don’t want to think we should change in order to be in a relationship and be validated by family or society. So much of our economy is based on encouraging us to buy lipstick and bikini wax so we won’t feel inadequate if we are not in some air-brushed relationship.’
Sasha, 34
‘OK, so I’m single and childless. I don’t need to be pitied (poor woman, she’s probably infertile) or judged (there’s more to life than luxury holidays and Jimmy Choos) or sneered at (too career-minded to settle down). I’m actually quite content with my lot – sorry to disappoint.’
Sharon, 38
‘I stood at the altar clutching my small bouquet and cringed. Whatever possessed my best friend to want to humiliate me on her wedding day by making me wear a Little Bo Peep frock and be her bridesmaid? It’s bad enough being single, but weddings, lovely as they are, do have a way of rubbing salt into the wounds. Having to wear that hideous dress only served to enhance my age and discomfort at being past my sell-by date. Was Natalie thinking that by including me in her big day this would somehow make me feel better, like it was the next best thing to actually getting married?’
Heather, 38
Monday, 6 July 2009
Is settling for less really best?
‘From an early age I had an improbably glamorous image of the man I would eventually marry: someone tall, dark and handsome; someone wonderfully funny and gregarious, with lots of money. He would sweep me off my feet when I was in my mid-twenties and we would make love on his yacht in the Mediterranean and organise extravagant parties for other bright young things. We would lead a hedonistic, indulgent lifestyle and travel to the most exclusive and expensive destinations.
‘The reality was somewhat different. I am now married to Adam: he is shorter than me, quite bald, and getting a little rotund around the middle. He doesn’t have loads of money, although we are comfortable. We have three children: George, Henry and Francesca – and we love each other to bits!
‘I was pushing 39 when Adam proposed after a short courtship. I shudder when I think that as I planned my wedding, I went into my old bedroom at my parents’ home and wept. I cried because I felt I was accepting less than my dream; I was accepting second best and I had run out of time to find a perfect life partner.
‘It is only now that I feel so fortunate. Adam has attributes I would never have included in my ‘wish list’: he has a dry, witty sense of humour and a generous smile, he’s creative (he’s a professional photographer), plays the violin and is practical. He cooks all the meals – yes, even breakfast for us all, and is a doting dad. Through his eclectic tastes he has introduced me to many new and exciting things, including Russian literature, bird watching, jazz and modern art. Through his work for National Geographic, we have travelled to remote parts of the world (on occasions with the children) and when he’s around, there’s always a buzz of positivity, music and creativity.
‘It was on our honeymoon that I really fell in love with Adam. To me he epitomises everything that can be good about a person and I feel privileged and honoured to be married to him.
‘I realise that my early aspirations were out of touch with reality. Now I can look back to the shallow and selfish individual I was when I conjured up these stupid ideas. Although I feel shame (and I have never discussed my true feelings prior to our marriage), I now understand that this was a level from which the only way to progress was up. Through Adam, I have grown as a person too. I have changed my values and how I regard other people and feel a sense of completeness, having such a beautiful family.’
Yvonne (41)
‘The reality was somewhat different. I am now married to Adam: he is shorter than me, quite bald, and getting a little rotund around the middle. He doesn’t have loads of money, although we are comfortable. We have three children: George, Henry and Francesca – and we love each other to bits!
‘I was pushing 39 when Adam proposed after a short courtship. I shudder when I think that as I planned my wedding, I went into my old bedroom at my parents’ home and wept. I cried because I felt I was accepting less than my dream; I was accepting second best and I had run out of time to find a perfect life partner.
‘It is only now that I feel so fortunate. Adam has attributes I would never have included in my ‘wish list’: he has a dry, witty sense of humour and a generous smile, he’s creative (he’s a professional photographer), plays the violin and is practical. He cooks all the meals – yes, even breakfast for us all, and is a doting dad. Through his eclectic tastes he has introduced me to many new and exciting things, including Russian literature, bird watching, jazz and modern art. Through his work for National Geographic, we have travelled to remote parts of the world (on occasions with the children) and when he’s around, there’s always a buzz of positivity, music and creativity.
‘It was on our honeymoon that I really fell in love with Adam. To me he epitomises everything that can be good about a person and I feel privileged and honoured to be married to him.
‘I realise that my early aspirations were out of touch with reality. Now I can look back to the shallow and selfish individual I was when I conjured up these stupid ideas. Although I feel shame (and I have never discussed my true feelings prior to our marriage), I now understand that this was a level from which the only way to progress was up. Through Adam, I have grown as a person too. I have changed my values and how I regard other people and feel a sense of completeness, having such a beautiful family.’
Yvonne (41)
Friday, 3 July 2009
It must be so hard starting from scratch at your age
Heard any of these ‘meant to be helpful’ expressions that mothers, ex-boyfriends, friends and the world at large seem to say to single women, reminding them of their single status.
‘Have you met ‘the one’ yet?’
‘I can’t understand it – you’re lovely, attractive, smart and successful. Why haven’t you been snapped up?’
‘Are you a lesbian?’
At a wedding: ‘We’ve put all the singles together on an odds and ends table.’
From your mother: ‘When, oh when, am I going to get some grandchildren?’
Also: ‘I read an article the other day which said that by their late thirties, women’s fertility plunges to such an extent that only five per cent can actually get pregnant. You’d better get a move on finding a husband.’
Or even: ‘It’s such a pity that you didn’t marry Paul. He was so charming. Didn’t he get married to Sarah – that really beautiful girl? Do you still see him in your circle of friends?’
From your best friend: ‘Guess what? We’re engaged! Look at my ring!’
Also: ‘I’m pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!’
From your last serious boyfriend: ‘Although Saskia and I have only known each other for a couple of months, I thought it only fair to tell you. I have asked her to marry me.’
From your employer: ‘The board has requested all single members of staff to provide skeleton cover in the office between Christmas and New Year as other staff members have family commitments.’
From the holiday company: ‘Children go free. 40 per cent surcharge for single room occupancy.’
From the estate agent at a viewing: ‘And in here we have the nursery… You could make this into a study or office.’
From a married woman with children: ‘You’re so wise not to have married and had kids. I tell you, every second of my life is taken up with family stuff – husband, children, school – you’ve got the right idea. Don’t go there.’
And we read it everywhere too: [sub heading]
Mini Christmas Pudding: Serves 1.
On a wedding invitation: (Name) plus guest
On a Christmas card: To Jane, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Lots of love from Camilla, Rupert, Naomi, Charlie, Toby, Anouska…and the bump!
Invitation: St Margaret’s School 1982 Reunion. Bring husbands and children. See you there!
‘Have you met ‘the one’ yet?’
‘I can’t understand it – you’re lovely, attractive, smart and successful. Why haven’t you been snapped up?’
‘Are you a lesbian?’
At a wedding: ‘We’ve put all the singles together on an odds and ends table.’
From your mother: ‘When, oh when, am I going to get some grandchildren?’
Also: ‘I read an article the other day which said that by their late thirties, women’s fertility plunges to such an extent that only five per cent can actually get pregnant. You’d better get a move on finding a husband.’
Or even: ‘It’s such a pity that you didn’t marry Paul. He was so charming. Didn’t he get married to Sarah – that really beautiful girl? Do you still see him in your circle of friends?’
From your best friend: ‘Guess what? We’re engaged! Look at my ring!’
Also: ‘I’m pregnant! We’re going to have a baby!’
From your last serious boyfriend: ‘Although Saskia and I have only known each other for a couple of months, I thought it only fair to tell you. I have asked her to marry me.’
From your employer: ‘The board has requested all single members of staff to provide skeleton cover in the office between Christmas and New Year as other staff members have family commitments.’
From the holiday company: ‘Children go free. 40 per cent surcharge for single room occupancy.’
From the estate agent at a viewing: ‘And in here we have the nursery… You could make this into a study or office.’
From a married woman with children: ‘You’re so wise not to have married and had kids. I tell you, every second of my life is taken up with family stuff – husband, children, school – you’ve got the right idea. Don’t go there.’
And we read it everywhere too: [sub heading]
Mini Christmas Pudding: Serves 1.
On a wedding invitation: (Name) plus guest
On a Christmas card: To Jane, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Lots of love from Camilla, Rupert, Naomi, Charlie, Toby, Anouska…and the bump!
Invitation: St Margaret’s School 1982 Reunion. Bring husbands and children. See you there!
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