Singledom - the comedians' take on things

‘Everything was going great until I said, ‘I love you,’ then he got this look on his face like he’d taken a wrong turn in a really bad neighborhood.’
Roz Doyle, Frasier, Paramount Television

‘I fall in love real quick, which can scare guys away. I’m like, ‘I love you, I want to move in with you, I want to marry you.’ And they’re like, ‘Ma’am, just give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I’ll be out of here.’
Penny Wiggins

‘I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.’
Emo Phillips

‘I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think there’s something wrong with me.’
Elayne Boosler

‘OK, I want to know the man for a year before I get engaged, another six months before I get married. Then, after a year, we have our first baby, then two years later we have another one... so, by then I’ll be... Good God, I need to meet my husband tonight!’ Monica, Friends, Warner Bros

‘Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.’
Helen Rowland

‘Homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society.’
From Bridget Jones’ Diary by Helen Fielding, Picador 2001

Boyfriend: Do you want a lift/lunch/to go out tonight?
37-year-old girlfriend: ‘NO! I WANT A FUCKING BABY!’
From Channel 4’s Spoons

‘Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 529; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion.’
Lorna Adler

‘Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They all already have boyfriends!’
Jane Caron

‘If he hasn’t called you in about three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he’s not in an emergency room moaning your name.’
Diane Conway

‘I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn’t, I knew it was you.’
Karen Muir

‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, great! If they don’t, they’re probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.’
Bill Greiser